


Echoed Existence

by nestine



Category: GOT7
Genre: Dark Past, Jackson may have been secretly in love with his best friend, Jaebum is hopelessly in love with Youngjae, M/M, Mark Tuan is a romantic, Poetry, Youngjae is the sweetest but the strictest, don't hate me, lovesick Jinyoung, more poems
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-01-22 00:13:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12469144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nestine/pseuds/nestine
Summary: Jinyoung receives letters that are not for him. And he doesn't believe in anything circling around the meaning of romance but he somehow gets drawn into reading the poems he constantly receives. The more he reads, the more he falls, will he ever meet the writer of the poems?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another story this week that I will try to update every week. I hope you like it as much as I enjoy writing this. Jinyoung isn't a romantic but who knows, someone might change his beliefs. :)

_You are the light in my darkest days_

_the path in my lonely night_

_The sunshine, the rainbows and the rays_

_And I wish you never leave my sight_

_For all I want for thee,_

_is for you to never leave me_

_I hope to bring you the perfect reality_

_so you wouldn't have to dream of any fantasy_

  


Jinyoung is never the one to read fictions nor is he capable of admiring any kind of literature whether it may be a prose, a novel - worse, a fairytale. For him, fictions are just bunch of words, whether rhyming or not, an anecdote or a 1000-page book that either connote sadness or concoc mixed up imaginations stemming from lonely and desolate individuals. Not that he stereotypes fiction writers in general; Jinyoung just isn't fazed over novels, poetry or even drama anthologies.

The only thing he likes to read are math formulas and precise computation of numbers, as well as figure out the balance in graphs and distinguish the correct concepts and applicable mathematical sequence. The complicated alphabets paired with numbers and math signs is what makes Jinyoung’s adrenaline rush. He dreams of becoming an engineer and no tragic love story can sway his way out from reaching his goals. _Love_ , for him, is a personal feeling, a varying emotion that single handedly destroys people. Not that he already experienced a drastic heart break - it’s just, well, just his perception or expectation of what love is.

But to contradict everything he believes in, here he is, in a crowded hallway, opening a black envelope with intricate gold linings, a task he has been doing for the past months. A routine that seems to have been connected with the thing he isn’t concerned about the most.

While he admires the perfectly crafted handwritten calligraphy inked into the parchment paper, he begins to read the lines of a seemingly heartfelt piece of literature.

 

 

> _“What am I to you?_
> 
> _Am I the rainbow after the rain_
> 
> _a shooting star, an eclipse?_
> 
> _An occurrence that’s not an always_
> 
> _But a maybe, a sometimes, even a once in a lifetime?_
> 
> _Because I am not your sun nor your moon_
> 
> _Nor the rotation of the earth_
> 
> _I am not something permanent_
> 
> _Or an affair that happens constantly_
> 
> _There are times you need me_
> 
> _times that you don’t_
> 
> _moments that you remember me_
> 
> _instances that you forget everything about me_
> 
> _Am I just a passing feeling?_
> 
> _The one you want briefly but not the one you need_
> 
> _Am I just a temporary hello?_
> 
> _And the answer will never be no_
> 
> _For you already decided with your goodbye_
> 
> _And here I am wanting to stay by your side”_

 

“It’s the 3rd time this month” Jinyoung carefully traces the folded lines of the parchment paper. He reads the entire poem, once again, before he creases the paper to make it the same way as before - careful in his strokes as not to damage it. He encloses it in the black envelope and returns it into his locker just like the other black envelopes that has been resting on the steel cabinet for quite some time.

“Maybe, those letters are really intended for you.” Youngjae, Jinyoung’s best friend, nonchalantly responds while he tidies up his own locker just adjacent to Jinyoung’s. “And that is some hella good poetry, by the way” He adds as an afterthought.

Behind them, the students are rushing to get out of the university campus. Most classes are done, except for a few special night courses for working students. While the sounds of footsteps and constant chattering envelopes the hallway, Jinyoung can hear his heart beating. And it’s quite disturbing. He has not been a fan of any poet or any piece of fiction before and currently he wonders why every word written on a piece of paper affects him on a different scale, the words sets him into an unknown emotion, even though he knows the words are not meant for him but for someone else.

 _When did it start_ , he wondered. Was it because of the sadness emitted from every sentence? Was it because he rarely receives letters from someone? But he is sure it isn’t just because of the simplest reasons and it’s what scares him.

The letters, or more accurately - poems, are delivered every Tuesdays and Thursdays. The first time he received it, Jinyoung thought his friends were pulling a prank on him due to his non-existent love life. He has been a subject of scrutiny, the constant ideal blind date candidate, and the topic for pity talks and love guru advices from his friends. But when he cornered the only member of their group Jinyoung was sure wouldn't lie to him, Jackson, to spill the beans or whatever it was that they might be hiding under their sleeves, it was revealed that his friends weren't the ones sending the poems.

“It’s for a certain L and I am a J, and there’s no L in my name, it’s certainly not for me.” He says, a little glum, slightly irritated when he states the obvious though Jinyoung knows he’s not supposed to feel any annoyance. The parchment paper contains an embossed note, too small - like it is purposely hidden.

He recalls the time when he tried to confirm the mailman, wanting to clarify the confusion, the probability of  sending the letters mistakenly to Jinyoung. But the mailman has confirmed and swore an oath that he was just doing his job and the address was not a mistake. _It’s locker no. 27, in the 5th aisle, second floor of the Engineering Building_ and in no doubt that it’s Jinyoung’s locker. He has tried to convince the mailman to stop delivering the letters but the loyal worker refused, insisting that it’s his job and he _gotta do his job_ or he’ll be fired.

From that moment, Jinyoung stopped with his interrogation with the poor mailman and just accepted the fact that _his locker_ is receiving different poetry every twice a week.

“Maybe, it was meant for the person who used that locker before you” Youngjae suggests.

“But I’ve been using this locker for the past 2 years. Not once did I receive a letter or anything before. It only started 2 months ago ”

Youngjae then pats his back, and murmurs an “It’s okay, it’s okay” and Jinyoung wants to curse the heavens for he knows that his friend is being genuinely sad for him. Sympathizing with his little luck over dating. Jinyoung has not received any love letters or confession for the past years. He dated a couple of times but all his past _not so relationship_ went in vain - he has been told many times that he’s a decent guy, that he doesn’t fall behind when it comes to looks, hell, he even has above average grades in all his subjects but cupid might have forgotten to shoot someone else’s heart for him.

What’s worse is although he has been constantly getting romantic poems the past months, those are certainly, accurately, no doubt, are not for him.

“It’s okay. You don’t rush love. You’ll find someone soon” Youngjae teases as he continuously pats Jinyoung’s back providing an unwanted comfort. “There are just some people who are lucky enough to find their pair, maybe, your luck is on its way?”

Jaebum, an upper class man, then enters the scene, says hi to Jinyoung and then abruptly hugs Youngjae, his boyfriend.

 

Jinyoung resists the urge to howl.

 

***

 

The day Jinyoung realized the poems weren't for him, he paid no much attention to the letters. He decided he would not put his interest on the letters any longer. The next time an envelope found itself on his steel cabinet, he refused to read it knowing that it’s not for him. Until the next ones have been delivered two times a week - the unopened black envelopes started to occupy one-fourth of the space that should be for his books and personal things. Throwing them away should have been the smartest idea to free up spaces but despite his annoyance about the papers filling up his tiny locker box, not once did he come close to dumping them into the garbage bins.

But a single experience has lead him to read every piece. It was when he thought nothing could go right the day he got a failing mark on his Differential Equations. He had studied severely, researched fervently and did his best for the project, he even gave up his weekly movie night with Jackson, and refused to watch the season premiere of Game of Thrones. But his professor had not known his efforts, and deemed it not worthy to be accepted because he was late in his class. It was two minutes and he was just held up at the gates because the machine could not read the barcode on his identification card. He could not raise his justification for he knew it would only aggravate his professor's anger. But that was only the beginning.

On the verge of tears, he held on tight to his belongings, and walked away from the room. His initial plan was to call Jackson but he realized his friend was at work and he could not disturb him. He decided to go to the library to find solace - on his way, he saw the guy he was dating kissing someone else. He didn’t bother asking for an explanation, he was too tired to deal with things. He walked away with a piece of his heart hanging by a thread.

What’s worse than a failed subject and a heartache?

Jackson called him, with such a sadness lingering on every word, “Mr. Whiskers” Jackson said, “I went home because I left my apron” he continued but Jinyoung doesn't want to listen any longer. It was too much for a day, “he is dead.”

And that was it- the final straw. He reached his locker, wanting to get his belongings and be out of the university as soon as possible. Too tired to deal with things, at lost for words as to why he experienced a variety of unfortunate events in a single day. He didn't feel like talking to no one - or listening to anyone.

And then an unexpected delivery came on a troubling time. Jinyoung wanted to tell the mailman to stop delivering the letters because it’s not for him. But he has no energy to do so and when the mailman left with another black envelope on his hand, he decided to read a single piece hoping to find a little bit of solace.

 

> _Withering_
> 
> There are things to say, but not enough time  
>  words recurring at the back of my mind   
>  lately, I wondered, did I ever commit a crime?   
>  for the tug in my heart left all the things undefined   
>  even at the depths of the Earth, the answers are hard to find   
>  unsettled, I tried once more, but I found myself in oblivion   
>  and then i see a light, but my request was declined   
>  for the light vanished, there’s nothing that i could depend on   
>  every night, every second, it seems like every time of the day is dawn   
>  for I could not see what’s in front of me   
>  there’s not even a string to hold on, is it not drawn?   
>  what happened to my words, they are caged – not free   
>  will you please let me be happy?   
> or should i once again restart my plea?
> 
>  

And there, all the emotions flow through, tears started to fall while the pain in his heart reached its peak but slowly withering - diminishing.

 

***

 

It’s Thursday but Jinyoung’s only class has been cancelled. It wasn’t a surprise cancellation but a planned one, having been announced a day prior and it isn't even the finals week. The announced cancellation has been dubbed by the students as free pass. And a free pass means a day spent out of the boundaries of their alma mater.

It’s a 20-minute walk from his apartment to the university and Jinyoung could spend all day marathoning the movies he has been eager to watch since. But It’s Thursday and it means he’ll receive another _one_.

A promise is a test of faith to oneself - _not with someone else because when you vow to a certain degree, it’s all up to you whether you’ll keep it or not._ And Jinyoung has made various promises with himself several times - and he keeps them, he fulfills them - but, undeniably, all rules has an exception because Jinyoung, for the first time, has chosen to break a promise.

Jinyoung made a promise to himself that he will let this series of poetry pass; he will not meddle with it for it was not his business to begin with. But as he receives another and then another, when he reads them - a sensation of fulfillment sends him to euphoria of happiness and sadness. He can’t help but be attached to every single piece of paper he receives. It was not his intention to have this certain connection to the letters but he finds himself looking forward to every Tuesday and Thursday. He even re-reads the old ones when he finds himself longing for the upcoming letters.  

 _The letters are not his_ \- and he agrees to let them be, to stay hidden in his locker and to not do anything about the pieces of paper - just reads them, only reads them, but the problem is he gets attached to every single one of them.

And when he arrives at the university, heart fluttering that seemingly making his breathing uneven, he rushes to the Engineering building. He knows there’s a letter for him, it’s Thursday, and he is thrilled to read a new one. He reaches his locker and takes no wasted time. With his hands trembling reaching for the key on his backpack, he can’t help but smile at the thought of him finding another black envelope.

As soon as it is opened, Jinyoung’s heart rate speeds up and a smile forms on his lips. There it is, a new black envelope, one that is separated from the rest. He usually reads the letters the moment he sees it so he can put it aside at the far end of his steel cabinet but he feels compelled to do otherwise.

Despite the incessant warnings from his mind, he chooses to defy the doubts and questions. He gathers all the letters, even the new one, and places them carefully in his backpack. He had to put them in between the pages of his textbooks so as not to suffer from any damage.

Twenty minutes after, he arrives at his apartment. His flatmate Jackson is probably at the cafe, working a night shift. He switches the light, and notices that everything has been cleaned - the leftover chicken in the coffee table is gone, his clothes in the sofa most likely are washed, and the floor has been mopped and swept into perfection. Jinyoung mentally notes to treat Jackson to a well deserved meal. When he reaches his bedroom, he refrains from losing any more time as he pulls out his textbook from his bag, stores the poems with utmost care in a box while he separates the new one.

He stares at it over for seconds and with his heart racing, he sits into the window’s edge as he carefully detaches the parchment from the black envelope and he begins reading

 

 

> _Owner_
> 
> For you own my words  
>  The love letters of my present   
>  The tears of my past   
>  And the hope of my future 
> 
> _For you own my heart  
>  And the never ending smiles _
> 
> _The long list of stories_
> 
> _Of you and me - and everything in between_
> 
>  

There’s something different on how it was written and Jinyoung, every word is like a bullet pierced into his fragile heart. Somehow, it feels like he is connected to the sentences and appreciates how they are constructed. He’s in awe on how a person can construe and create magical pieces only through words. He isn’t a fan of literature, but he is a die-hard follower of whoever sends him the letters. Unfortunately, what he’s receiving are not meant for him. It’s a pitiable reality that hasn’t fully sunken in - or maybe, he refuses to just accept the facts presented to him.

 _“The long list of stories”_ He whispers into the cold air as he sits by the window’s edge of his bedroom gazing through the dark skies illuminated by millions of stars, “ _Of you and me, and everything in between”_

He notices how the moon shines the brightest to date and wonders if the writer of the poems is inspired by the beauty of the dark sky.

“What the fuck!” He comments, “Why am I turning into a romantic?”

 

***

 

It's the hell week. Everyone is on the verge of giving up - hoping to fast forward the days where they find solace of the aftermath of the finals, but Jinyoung’s mind has been preoccupied by thoughts not related to any of his subjects.

Yugyeom, the intelligent kid, the one who always get an A+ for all his subjects is with them studying for finals because everyone knows that these series of examinations are important and should not be wasted. Jackson even ditches his part time job to have extra hours for review. Finals week is everyone’s hell week.

Youngjae has prevented himself multiple times from dragging his friend out of the library because of the unceasing remark about the author of the poems. People around them are frantically screaming internally for the impending tragic examinations - Jinyoung should too, because it’s his make or break tests - everyone’s make or break exam.

“I’m going to find him.” Jinyoung declares, but his voice is a little hushed because he is in the library with Youngjae, Yugyeom, and Jackson, preparing for the finals week.

Youngjae eyes him sternly, questioning the seriousness of the statement. But the determination that is shown through Jinyoung’s stern look proved Youngjae’s guess.

“You’re out of your mind.”  Youngjae concludes, almost inaudibly, careful not to bother the other students.

“I’ll meet with the writer of the poems” Jinyoung answers confidently, as if he has already devised the plan on how he’s going to meet the sender of the letters.

“Are you fucking out of your mind?”  Youngjae’s voice is turning into the normal decibel range although he has been trying his best to control his emotions.

“He deserves to know that he’s been sending his letters to the wrong person” Jinyoung fights back.

“But it’s not your duty to tell him that” It’s almost a scream -out of frustration and anger. Youngjae is supposed to study for his Basic Thermodynamics class - the one he loathes the most, and he needs full concentration but his friend, Jinyoung, wants to discuss about a stranger who will not make them pass their exams.

“I feel the need to” It’s a protest and Jinyoung will insist on it.

The eyes of the other students from the tables near them have not been so friendly and all of them know that they won’t keep it down with their conversation, they will most likely be reported and will lose library access for a week. And Youngjae just fears that.

“Jinyoung” Youngjae almost pleads both from wanting to end the conversation and to stop his friend from going all crazy.

Jackson pauses his reading, closes the book and looks intently into Jinyoung. “You like him” Jackson concludes. He rarely butts into conversation so all of them, even Yugyeom interrupts his reading to listen.

And Youngjae stares at Jinyoung in shock but the way Jinyoung tenses up and could not formulate a coherent response confirms the truth that lies within Jackson’s statements.

“I am not” Jinyoung defends as he messes up his answers badly, “I mean - I do not”

“Then why are you reading the letters over and over again?” Jackson inquires because he has been the witness to the many times Jinyoung has smiled to himself or has giggled over the words - and there was a time, he caught the older guy trying to compose a poem.

“It’s just” And Jinyoung can’t answer because does he really like him? The author of the poems, the sender of the letters? Because that’s just insane -he can’t possibly like a stranger.

“What makes you think the poems are all originally written?” Yugyeom buts in. “I’m just curious and it’s really out of the topic”

But Jinyoung finds it right to defend the author, “I’ve typed them all in google and can’t point me to any.”

“Hmmm”

“Fair enough” Yugyeom replies.

“You do like him.” Jackson says again, persistent to squeeze out an answer.

Youngjae awaits for a reply, too.

“You know what guys? Let’s just study.” Jinyoung answers as he opens his book and begins to read.

Jackson smirks and fists bumps Youngjae, “I’m a genius.”

Jinyoung doesn't believe in love at first sight, what more with love with no sight? How can he feel love without even meeting the writer of the poems, not even a single conversation with him. Heck, he might be serial killer, a pedophile, an insane person - but Jinyoung feels indifferent - somehow he longs for something downright crazy. He never believes in fairytales or in romantic comedies, doesn't even read Shakespeare's but how come suddenly he has a change of heart.

_It's impossible._

But somehow it's possible. Jinyoung is telling the truth when he argues that he doesn't like the sender of the poems because maybe, it's something deeper than a simple admiration.

And Jinyoung is scared. 

 

 

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realizations. Jinyoung has been in a dilemma and he wants to solve it using impractical ways while Jackson discovers a whole lot of emotions. And everything started because Jaebum suggested something and Youngjae might just kill his boyfriend.

_“Why is he sending the letters?”_

The first day of winter break is the one the students loved the most for this is the opportunity to go on adventures, plan for future trips, catch up with friends, return borrowed library books or the best moment to plead professors for a possible tweak in the grades. But Jinyoung’s interest differs from the rest as his right hand dramatically clings onto his heart, a parchment paper carefully enclosed on his left palm.

 “Are you not over this issue yet?” Youngjae, who is sitting adjacent to Jinyoung, and in front of his own boyfriend, Jaebum, looks exhausted as he has been listening to his friend rant over a poem for an overly lengthy time. “I thought you hated anything romantic. This - “ Youngjae pauses as he gestures using his hands pointing to Jinyoung from head to toe, “isn’t very Jinyoung”

Jinyoung can only look at his friend in confusion, eyebrows knitted together for a brief moment. He recovers and carefully slips the paper on the envelope and places it between the middle pages of his hardbound journal.

Youngjae witnessing the whole ordeal replies with a sigh before he sips the hot chocolate the waiter just served, possibly realizing his words are futile.

They are at Cafe de Amour waiting for Jackson to finish his shift so the four of them can all watch the movie they have been dying to see.

“Jackson needs to be here in the next second” Youngjae huffs. “My entire being can’t stand this madness any longer.”

Jinyoung refuses to comment on what his best friend uttered seconds ago and chooses to, once again, retrieve the paper he just slipped on his journal.

“Not again” Youngjae’s voice strains of defeat as he simultaneously raises both of his hands.

Jinyoung carefully caresses the parchment paper on his hand. “The poems are too well-made, I cannot stop reading them.” He shares the obvious and for the fifth time, to Youngjae’s utter annoyance, Jinyoung begins to read the words out loud. There’s a certain air of confidence as he states the poem sentence by sentence.

 

> _**Heart Attack** _
> 
> _I’m having premature ventricular contractions_  
>  _“Why won’t it stop?” That’s always my question_
> 
> _Whenever you’re near or when we meet_  
>  _My heart always skips a beat_
> 
> _Mesmerizing – addicting_
> 
> _something in your smile – it’s intoxicating_
> 
> _Your eyes can illuminate a dark night_  
>  _When I’m terrified, you are my light_
> 
> _How the world seems like a better place_  
>  _I’m the weakling and you’re the ace_  
>  _You complete everything that is missing_
> 
> _And pull every bit of my heart strings_

 

He dramatically ends his poetry reading by, again, clutching his heart. Jaebum claps like a seal as if it is the first time he is hearing the poem and as the poetry reading ended, Youngjae’s losing the battle against his sanity as his singularity over the fact that Jinyoung’s obsession has become harmful has been thrown out of the options.

“You’re obsessed,” Youngjae says the most obvious thing but he can’t think of anything else to say.

Jinyoung sighs in response, as his body slides a little lower into the couch, his red knitted wool scarf already covering half of his face. _How can Youngjae not like the poetry?_ He isn’t over the issue, he will not be over it unless he meets the person who has been sending the poems. He might be obsessed, he gets it and he doesn’t know what to do about it.

“It’s a great poem,” Jaebum encourages while Youngjae looks at him judgingly as if his boyfriend has uttered the worst reply. “What?” Jaebum grins and answers to Youngjae’s _You have got to be kidding me_ expression.

Youngjae squints his eyes in search for the invisible light bulb that might have appeared above on his boyfriend’s head. And much to his horror, it isn’t a light bulb but a pair of devil’s horns.

“It’s fairly easy to track the guy” Jaebum suddenly suggests and Jinyoung’s attention perks up as if Jaebum has been reciting the exact winning number for tonight’s lottery draw.

“Don’t encourage him” Youngjae rebuts as he starts to clutch the end of Jaebum’s blue colored sweater.

“This might solve all of our problems.” Jaebum insists not knowing the weight of his words. “If Jinyoung meets the guy, then he’ll finally able to tell him to stop sending the poems. And if the sender realizes he’s been sending it to the wrong person, then he’ll definitely stop sending the letters to Jinyoung.” As easy as it may sound, Youngjae doesn't quite believe everything will just perfectly fall into its respective places. There’s something in the formula they’re not adding and Youngjae feels indifferent.

“Come on.”Jaebum encourages, “Once Jinyoung is freed from this, then you’ll have your peaceful life again”

Jinyoung doesn’t care one bit about what Youngjae feels as of the moment. It may sound selfish but Jinyoung decides he’ll just make up for it in the coming days. What seems to be a pressing matter is Jaebum’s idea of tracking the sender of the letters. There’s a fire in Jinyoung’s heart that ignites him to do whatever he can to meet the writer - but not once did it cross his mind to tell him to stop. He doesn’t realize it then but he doesn’t regret not thinking about it too.

“So, how do I track the guy” Jinyoung asks, pressing Jaebum to share his idea.

Just before Jaebum communicates a possible crazy scenario, Jackson enters the scene with his backpack he got from Jinyoung last year for his birthday. Youngjae warns him to pull Jinyoung out of the table or else he’ll be the one to suffer from the consequences but Jackson is too late.

“Here’s what you can do” Jaebum smirks as Jinyoung rises from his seat and all ears are only for what Jaebum has to say.

 

***

 

"Hurry up, you’ll miss him!"

Jackson has paused in the middle of an uphill street as he waits for Jinyoung to catch up with him. The man in blue uniform is turning into the corner street and if Jinyoung will not double his pace, they will fail, _again._

 _He has been forced_ , that’s what will be Jackson’s mandatory response in the future once everything starts to make sense to him but as of the moment, Jackson is genuinely curious to the outcome basing on various plausible scenarios that can happen. They might meet the sender and Jinyoung can possible be free from the foolishness which has taken over his friend’s sanity or they won’t see the sender and Jinyoung might forever be stuck in his current state.

 “Jinyoung” Jackson pressures his friend even though Jinyoung is already out of breath. The cold wind presses onto his skin despite having worn a thick jacket. Jackson knows Jinyoung especially hates the cold, but his friend has been braving the winter weather quite well.

The both of them have been walking and running for the past 7 hours, they are down to their last few hot packs, hiding behind the shadows of the mailman - all because of Jaebum’s genius idea.

 

There were several options Jaebum laid for Jinyoung. One is to check the mailing shop and ask for the sender's details and if that won't work, Jinyoung can stalk the mailman a day before Jinyoung usually receives the letters. _Easy peasy - easy as one two three._

 

Jackson took a day off from his part time job just to accompany his friend, in Jackson’s sincerest thoughts, he thinks Jaebum is a pain in the ass but a genius in disguise. Though the whole process is a difficult endeavor and a crazy one on top of that because how can a person stalk another person? _They can’t be jailed for it, right?_

 

And although today has been one of the most tiring days ever existed in Jackson's entire existence, he still pushes himself past his limit so in return, Jinyoung may finally meet the sender of the poems - hoping the insanity or the spell casted upon his friend will evaporate.

 

Jinyoung, for Jackson, is his star. A brother he never had - the one who always lends a shoulder to lean on, or ears to listen to every stories Jackson shares. A star who guides him in the darkest days and this _crazy thing_  they are doing is just one of the ways where he can show his gratitude to the one who lights his path every so often and so Jackson is determined to help Jinyoung - no matter how tired he gets, or how utterly stupid the idea is.  

 

When Jinyoung is an arm reach away from Jackson, he seizes the opportunity and grabs Jinyoung’s hand, tightens his hold and begins to sprint. They have to reach the mailman, it’s almost five and this should be the last house. Their effort should not be wasted, at least, they could have a positive outcome out of all the detours, sacrifices, pains and exhaustion happened today. Jackson looks back to check on his friend, he feels a little sad because he knows Jinyoung isn’t physically fit compared to him but when he sees the determination Jinyoung has been showing all day, he knows he doesn’t have any more time to waste.

 

"We’re almost there. I can see him." Jackson pants and he feels Jinyoung’s aura lifting up.

 

They pause when they see the mailman whom they have been following for the whole day. He is in front of a large modern looking house.

 

“Woah” Jackson says as his eyes dart from the corners, the panels, roof, and the large tall fences.

 

Jinyoung is on his knees, coughing a few times and trying to normalize his breathing.

 

Jackson's a bit confused and it makes him hesitate for a second. _Is this the house of the sender of the poems?_ This might be it and Jackson suddenly feels afraid but he doesn’t know the reason why. He laughs nervously realizing that this house might indeed be where the sender of the poems live but this is not what he is expecting to feel. It’s far from what he has in mind. It’s just a simple stalking, of knowing who sends the poems, they don’t even know who to expect, or what to expect, especially what to feel.

 

“Are we” Jinyoung asks, still breathing heavily, “here?”

 

“I don't know” Jackson replies, unsurely.

It’s a bizarre turn of events – the eagerness of finding the sender, the selflessness of wanting to help a friend, the sudden unasked for emotions developing from something Jackson doesn’t quite familiar with yet.

 

“What do you” Jinyoung recovers, ”mean?” And he sees it, the large house where the mailman is pressing the doorbell. “Woah” He adds upon realizing where they are.

 

“Do you think this is it?”Jinyoung asks, hopeful.

 

Jackson is too absorbed into the scenario that he forgets to reply.

 

The hope of finding the author of the poems doesn’t seem too promising now that he has seen the house of a possible sender. There’s something that starts to grow within him, and he doesn’t like it one bit but right there and then, when Jackson suddenly wants to flee the scene and take Jinyoung away, a figure clothed in a black hoodie, opens the luxurious door, and although both Jackson and Jinyoung stand a little bit far from the house, it was evident, crystal clear, that the man is handing over a black envelope to the mail main.

_He is the sender of the poems._

 

“He is the sender of the poems?” Jinyoung says as he repeats the words which Jackson just silently uttered in his head. Jinyoung’s eyes sparkle and are glued to the figure handing over the black envelope. Jackson feels unsure of everything.

 

Fulfilling something doesn’t always mean the end result is what you hope for. And Jackson just feels like this is something he shouldn’t have done – for two different but related reasons. This has been a heart changing eye-opener and a start of something unstoppable.

 

 

 

***

 

“Hi! I’m Jinyoung! And I think you’re sending your letters to the wrong person” He says while he carries a box filled with letters.

“You’re still into it.” Jaebum says, defeated while he settles on the couch while Jinyoung is on the adjacent red chair practicing a speech. It’s a day before Christmas, and Seoul is as busy as a bee. Everyone is running around the streets fully clothed with several layers of clothing but in the middle of a demanding day, Jinyoung is sucked into his own whirlwind of scenarios.

Jinyoung decides to stay in Seoul with Jaebum, Youngjae and Jackson for Christmas. His parents will be spending a holiday in Japan and he opts out of a free travel just because he wouldn’t want to miss a single letter delivered to his locker. Technically, those aren’t for him – that’s what he keeps telling everyone but he can’t hide the fact that he longs over the letters.

“Aren’t you supposed to be getting over this whole absurdity?” Jaebum asked while he flips out the menu.

Jinyoung has been in a dilemma, of wanting to visit the person who sends the poem just to make him stop. But he also doesn’t want to stop receiving the letters but Jackson has advised him that Jinyoung doesn’t need to do anything and he can just simply ignore the letters.

But Jinyoung can’t do it. How can he? Even though he doesn’t want to admit, he has been invested in every single word – in every emotion – in every feeling.

“I want to check on him again,” Jinyoung reveals his initial plan “And if he sends black envelopes every Monday and Wednesday. I’m sure he’s the one and I’m going to stop him from sending the poems any longer.” That’s his initial plan, the supposed to be the plan but he feels indifferent.

Jaebum raises his right eyebrow, completely judging the authenticity of Jinyoung’s claim when he suddenly realizes something important. “You are in love with him.” He concludes.

Jinyoung’s eyes widen in horror, “I do not - I am not. What the hell are you saying?” He replies, mortified. _How can I be in love with someone I haven’t met? This is ridiculous._ But Jinyoung’s heart says otherwise.

“Youngjae will kill me!” Jaebum complains as he worries for himself and for Jinyoung too, not believing anything Jinyoung is saying, “You’re in love!”

“I am not!” Jinyoung insists because he is not in love with the sender, how can he be in love with someone he hasn’t met yet. It’s an absurd claim that will not happen in actuality.

“I am not in love.” He says, words ring with finality.

 

***

 

“I’m in love” Jinyoung reveals as his heart beats at an incredible rate.

 

How many days has it been since he started stalking the guy? Two days? Four? Maybe 5? He counts on his fingers, instantly fighting the urge to punch himself because it has been 7 days since he began his crazy act of following the sender of the poems.

 

The idea happened when he received a long poetry that emits sadness. He felt the grief and longing of the author that he felt like the sender of the poems is a lonely guy. There’s something tugging Jinyoung’s heartstrings, as if he needed to make sure the writer is okay. It compels him to do something, to do something for that person.

 

> **Recurring**
> 
> I say my piece, hoping you’ll listen dearly
> 
> But I watch you walk away – with a smile on your face; sadly
> 
> Papers in my hand, feelings in my heart, prepared to let it all out
> 
> But here I am, waiting as you diminish in that same route – without a doubt
> 
>  
> 
> As I run towards you, the distance keeps growing
> 
> It’s as if we’re a million miles away – it’s heartbreaking
> 
> But my determination is unraveled, I will not stop searching
> 
> For you are the only one I hoped for, in my world that is collapsing
> 
>  
> 
> So I stand firm, words wanting to be said
> 
> You are there, but with someone else instead
> 
> A tug at my heart, I want to avert my gaze
> 
> this scene has been done, played, repeated – i am in a maze
> 
>  
> 
> Is this the end, I wonder
> 
> For my heart, again, has been shattered,
> 
> Or will I choose the never ending race
> 
> Of waiting, longing and the continuous chase
> 
>  
> 
> Standing at a standstill, I waited
> 
> Still the scene is playing – I, again, almost fled
> 
> But if I escape, pain of not seeing you – it’ll be greater
> 
> So I am here, staying, I’ll save my heart for later
> 
>  
> 
> I’m prepared with a piece, yet again, repeatedly
> 
> This recurring nightmare, I want to wake up, can I say my goodbye already?
> 
> For my heart is not at ease as I wait for you to see me
> 
> But yet, repeatedly, over and over again, i stay for you to hear my plea
> 
>  

 

So he decided to visit the guy, planning on casually introducing himself and hoped that they can be friends in the process. That was his plan - Jinyoung’s only plan. But the reality kicked in when he was already in front of the huge house because _what the heck is wrong with him?_ Questions of, _as to what was he thinking or was he crazy_ , started to pour in. What’s worse was that he frantically ran away when he noticed the front door opening.

 

He had hidden himself on a big tree just a block away from the house and there he saw the guy like a burst of fairy dusts, glitter shimmering and sparkles of silver and gold has been splattered. It was akin to a movie scene  - an overly exaggerated scenario when one felt a throbbing ache on his heart and his world started to brighten, Jinyoung thought the movies don’t lie as his heart rate speed up on an incredibly fast pace.

 

He decided to go home that day, to spend the rest of the Christmas day with his friends. He left his spot, walked away, mind was still buzzing with thoughts concerning the letter sender and it was late when he realized he had bumped into someone.

 

“I’m sorry” said the man.

 

“I’m okay. I’m so—“ When Jinyoung looked up, there he was, white, shining, shimmering, - the sender of the poems. Jinyoung’s emotion continues to rise and fall. He was close to revealing his intention but when Jinyoung saw the guy’s eyes, he could not feel but be glued to his spot for he realized that the guy’s eyes were grieving.

 

The man nodded and proceeded on his way but Jinyoung felt the urge to do something.

 

“Merry Christmas” He added, not really hoping for a response.

 

The sender of the poems slightly turned to look at him as he nodded and replied. “Merry Christmas.”

 

And Jinyoung felt his heat burst with fairy specks of dust.

 

Then Jinyoung went to visit him again, the second time, Jinyoung decided to hide behind the huge tree as he stalked him. He concealed himself beside a lamppost, a newspaper, flowers and even bushes. Jinyoung’s plan was to introduce himself not to follow him wherever he goes but Jinyoung found it hard to approach him.

 

Jinyoung did this routine for seven days.

 

From the seven days that he knew he was being crazy, he felt an incredible heartbeat rate whenever he sees the guy. There’s something special about the guy that makes Jinyoung want to see him more. He knew how ridiculous he must have been, heck, he could be jailed for it but the satisfaction he feels whenever he sees the guy is something he wants to feel again.

 

“I stalked him - but when he saw me, I ran away.” He confesses to Jaebum, revealing all the crazy things he did. “Jackson doesn't know. He’ll kill me.”

 

“You’re crazy!” Jaebum exasperates. “Youngjae will definitely kill me.”

 

“I am. But I somehow managed to talk to him and it made me happy” Jinyoung admits even though he knows his ways are illogical, “but if being crazy feels this good then I’ll continue being crazy for the rest of my life.”

 

And Jaebum realizes he might end up being single even before the start of a new year because what he sees in Jinyoung’s eyes isn’t an obsession but it’s the same thing as what he has for Youngjae and what Youngjae has for Jaebum.

 

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took too long for this update. I honestly already had this written long ago but I havent edited this yet that's why it was in the drafts folder too long. Ive been busy with a couple of things - new work, and I self-published a poetry book :)  
> Thank you for reading this and I will try my best to post new chapters weekly.  
> Also, are you excited to meet the sender of the poems? You'll know him next chapter ;)


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